[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
You Might Also Like
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: