good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
You Might Also Like
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Never forget.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.