My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.