If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Had to try this trend 😊
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Put the is in disheveled
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.