It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
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Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Story of my life…..
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.