Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
You Might Also Like
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.