“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
You Might Also Like
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”