My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg