Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
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Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game