Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
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Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
honestly, i need both:
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.