Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
You Might Also Like
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.