Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college