Secret Panel HERE 馃
You Might Also Like
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
2023 was just a warmup
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
The best backflip ever!馃挄馃馃
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
every year on st. paddy鈥檚 my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Teacher: I鈥檓 worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane