Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
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I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My whole life was a lie.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Livid.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s