I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
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People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.