Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
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My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
They’re not wrong
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
idk what he going thru but i feel him
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!