If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
goldfish mafia
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN