“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
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[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
early stone age tool
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.