Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
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Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark