Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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Haha! 😂
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I love the honesty
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.