is there nothing we can trust anymore
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
58.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.