People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
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We need to put an American base on the sun
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*