Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Happy Thanksgiving
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No