Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before