Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
The USS B port
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
This is I, Robot all over again
Still a very good boi….
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.