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I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!