We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
You Might Also Like
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
This raises questions
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning