😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
RT if you could go either way.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.