I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
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6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
The symmetry is uncanny.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
A short story about romance.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no