Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Love it! 👍😂
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane