You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
You Might Also Like
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.