Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
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Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
☠️☠️☠️
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.