Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
This is the best one I’ve seen
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
let’s discuss
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.