It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Good Morning.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.