My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
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The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I see your IQ test came back negative
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
selena gomez
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.