“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Autocorrect completely socks
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.