I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
car not found
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.