*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
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woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*