My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Day 2 of my diet
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.