Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
And that about sums it up.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Every. Damn. Time.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom