Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
You Might Also Like
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
the battle rages on
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.