*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class