Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
How your email finds me
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
#catsoftwitter
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.