I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
who will stop them
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.