Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
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Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Meow
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
The Joker was right
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.