Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
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[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
“How’s your day going?”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10