[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
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My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My teenage children choosing violence
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*