People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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H A S J P O D I E D G W
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.