Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.