if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
My patience has stretch marks.
the official breakfast of 2021
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.